Karin and I were tiring of not being able to take advantage of all the great deals on diapers that show up on Fatwallet. We were tiring of missing out on all of the IRS advantages bestowed upon parents. And, most importantly, the longer we wait, the longer our offspring will go without accumulating frequent flyer miles. Now that is just not fair of us.

So, after much deliberation, we decided to have a child. We did significant research into how this is done. The primary requirement is sexual relations. Remarkably, that only has to be done once. However, experts are now unanimous in recommending additional attempts... due to some timing issue that is too technical to discuss here. We researched "sex" and found that we have all the necessary qualifications. And so we "did it".

And that wasn't the only sacrifice we made. Karin stopped her periodic Frangelico nightcaps, for example. She also started taking huge, disgusting horse-pills that are marketed to humans as "prenatal vitamins".

Apparently our hard work, discipline, and ultra-modern 21st century methodology has paid off. As of Friday, Karin is, as Frau Farbissina says, late. This means that at least one of my guys is now spending serious time with one of her gals. If all goes according to plan, they will spend the next 255, or so, days producing what leading contemporary medical practitioners refer to as new life. Karin and I, by virtue of our stellar qualifications, will then be fully responsible for everything about this new life. According to my research, it is also customary for people in our position to take credit for every success that he or she ultimately achieves.

I'll admit that my understanding of children is limited. My sources tell me that when they are born they know absolutely nothing. I mean they can't tell time, they can't tie shoelaces, they can't even count to one! Now that is n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Then, we send them to school, spend copious amounts of money on them, and eventually they decide that we are the idiots and more or less cut off all meaningful communication with us.

I know. I know... there is more to it than that... there is the constant diaper-changing, the apologizing to everyone within 3 rows on airplanes, the funny pee-at-inopportune-moment pictures, and so much more. But it's all a labor of love and I assume that I too will want to share with everyone I see those most intimate details of daily living that all but the most psychotic of humans eventually choose to keep to themselves.

I am a procreator.