Thirty Eight Weeks Today

I agree that anecdotal advice from family and friends is absolutely invaluable. And Karin has spent years and years absorbing all that wonderful knowledge, tradition, and experience. She embraced childbirth and childing long ago and has spent over a decade developing herself into the penultimate mother that we all know she will be. Add to that her professional training and we clearly have a potent mommy-cocktail here.

I, on the other hand, have ignored and/or avoided childbirth for an even longer time. Luckily, my lack of knowledge does not cancel out Karin's significant knowledge. My specialty, when it comes to newborn children, has been the following:

A. Trying to determine what planet they came from.
B. Cringing at their various bodily functions and what they produce.
C. Staying out of the way as moms do their magic to get them to the next stage (apparently this will now change).

Actually, I do love playing with little people... but I find it much more rewarding when they have the ability to interact in some minimal way. My understanding is that, as of the first smile, I will be smitten.

I am educating myself, and not just with books. For example, last week I solicited advice from my male confidantes who have had children. I asked them about the role they played during the birth and about how much time they took off following the birth. I also asked for any and all advice that they were willing to share. Here is what I learned from my trusted confidantes:

1. Many of them are hilarious and I cannot reprint a lot of what they wrote.
2. None of them "caught" the baby.
3. A few cut the umbilical cord but only one seemed to feel strongly about it.
4. Time off for fathers ranged from none at all, to a few months. A few were into a long initial bonding period for daddy but most thought it was not entirely useful, or even a hindrance, to be around once mommy was doing alright.

My friends who responded run the gamut: lawyers, bankers, writers, pilots, doctors, Americans, Canadians... Here are a few notable quotes from their advice. Since this will inevitably become our official chronicling of this event, I am not editing out potentially offensive language and themes. If you have an issue with that, please DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

1. Always have diaper, wipe, and a plastic bag ready! (and change of clothes for the baby too)

2. It's very crowded and you're really just a bother. When the kid begins to de-martian, that's when you want to be around. (regarding how much time to take off work)

3. Have fun with it. The first one is totally special. Don't overparent. Don't dress the kid up too warm (probably not an issue in cali) and don't handle the kid as if he/she will break. They're tougher than you think. That said (and i mean this), don't be afraid to tell every single person who handles the baby to wash their fucking hands before they touch your kid. Also, your parents haven't had kids in 30 years (shorter for Saul). Don't go to them for advice. They generally don't know what they're saying. They're the same people that fed you coca-cola in a bottle when you were 1 -- and even if they did a good job, they don't remember what they did. Find a friend who seems to know what she's doing, and is natural with the child, and rely on that person for advice.

4. If Karin is staying home with baby a lot, she needs to get the hell out of the house on her own every week at least one day----and take her on getaway weekends frequently. NO ONE can handle being around a baby for extended periods of time--- [he or she will] go crazy.

5. Let baby cry! Remember - Everything that happens is normal! ... even if it seems abnormal. Understand you will be exhausted

6. You're not a kid anymore, responsibilities grow, vacations become less frequent (at the beginning), sleepless nights, puke, shit, piss, sickness ... and guess what, LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT :)

7. --> Unplug the phone.
--> Start taking baby for walks after 2 weeks, and let mom sleep.

8. Post partum you must maintain calm for Karin - in hospital and home - when well-intentioned but unknowing visitors, family and friends, inevitably overstay their welcome and exhausted Karin is not there to entertain them! You will see! Set these unconditional rules up in advance so that no one gets insulted

9. Your life is about to change. Buy some life insurance. Get a new, fast car. Preferably a chick magnet.